Pay Low - Charge High
NOTE: Once again, today's medium is satire; But as always, the numbers are painfully accurate and thoroughly sourced. JKdeG
Jose Conjo, CHBC
The Secret To Powerful Profits
There's only one trick to running a modern hospital: Charge high and pay low.
Which is what we're all about at the North Broward Hospital District, one of the ten largest health care systems in the nation and the undisputed Home of Powerful Profits.
But then like anything else in our nation's great free market system – the envy of every Third World Country on the planet – the Bottom Line in health care is ALWAYS the Bottom Line here at Broward Health.
For example, take the most recent Bottom Line profits for our flagship hospital Broward General Medical Center – compared to the Bottom Line profits for Memorial Regional Hospital, the flagship hospital for the South Broward Hospital District.
Bottom Line Profits - 2008
Broward General $40.5 million for 716 beds
Memorial Regional $2.9 million for 1,014 beds
Believe me, it was cigars and brandy all around when our CEO Frank Nask saw those numbers – plus fat bonuses up the ying-yang.
Not that we generated those healthy profits by sitting around playing Dr. House.
Of course, hospital shows on television are all about saving lives (fiction) – while here at Broward Health we're all about saving dollars (reality).
Like in the real world, any doctor who ordered tests for uninsured patients the way Gregory House does on TV wouldn't even be allowed to valet park cars at Broward Health hospital.
But I digress.
Point is, our Powerful profits – to borrow from an old Southern General – are all about “charging the mostest and paying the leastest.”
Now....
There are four areas where today's smart health care bean counter can either reduce costs or increase revenue:
One – The Cost of Supplies (cut, do without)
Two – The Cost of Contract Services (cut, do without)
Three – The Cost of Hospital Labor (cut, layoff)
Four – Revenue from Patients (jack up)
Now...
It's all but impossible to mess around with purchasing supplies and contract services here at Broward Health – where virtually ALL our major vendors are represented by top lobbyists like Jim "The Bundler" Blosser or Ronnie “The Macher” Book , both of whom can (and do) make our lives a political hell with a simple phone call to the Governor's office.
Which is why your Broward Health bean counters have become World Class Masters at stiffing our staff with K-Mart salaries while slamming our patients with Nieman-Marcus health care bills.
So...
How's it work?
Again, let's compare our flagship hospital Broward General to the South District's flagship Memorial Regional:
Broward Memorial
General Regional
Mean* Patient Bill:
Heart Attack $41,875 $34,800
Chest Pain $16,080 $13,871
Average Hospital
Salary Per FTE $55,080 $62,453
*Mean as in the middle as opposed to nasty.
Bottom line?
It's like Broward Health's brilliant CEO Frank Nask says:
“The only difference between a hospital and a Holiday Inn, is the room service. Otherwise, it's nothing but buns in beds.”
Yours for Powerful Profits
Jose Conjo, CHBC
Certified Hospital Budget Consultant
All Financial Data:
Florida Agency for Health Care Administration
Snooze of the Century!
SATZ AWAKENS!
Washington Irving's fictional Rip Van Winkle only slept for 20 years.
But Broward State Attorney Mike Satz has been asleep on the job for way more than 30 years.
How so?
After some 35 years turning a blind eye to public corruption run wild in Broward, Satz awoke last week to hold rare press conference in support of a bill to strengthen the state's misconduct law governing public officials.
“There's no question this bill will help us convict Sunrise Mayor John Lomelo,” Satz told me following the press conference.
“But Lomelo's been dead for years,” I told the little lawyer.
“Yeh, right!” Satz snorted. “And the next thing you'll tell me is they've legalized gambling in Broward County.”
Slashing Deadbeat Patient Stays
Jose Conjo, CHBC
Our War Against Uninsured Patients
Cutting costs and boosting profits is what modern health care is all about.
It's American as Ronald Reagan and apple pie – and why our nation's health care system enjoys the biggest profits in the world.
Which is something Obama and his gang of bleeding heart Socialists are out to destroy.
Frankly, you'd never see a Porsche or a high end Mercedes in the doctor's private parking lot at Broward General if the left-wing Obamacrats had their way.
But thanks be to God and Charlie Crist, the North Broward Hospital District is run by seven true blue New Republicans dedicated to the free market system – whether it's on Wall Street or an operating table.
Okay.
By now, I'm sure you've guessed how proud I am to be a Certified Hospital Budget Consultant (CHBC) dedicated to Cheap Costs and Powerful Profits at the North Broward Hospital District.
Not that my job is all that easy.
Basically because the law forces us to treat thousands of sick and injured patients even though they don't have the money to pay for their care.
Which is a Communista nightmare right out of Castro's Cuba.
Like can you imagine if the law required every restaurant to feed anyone who was hungry – even if they didn't have the money to pay for their food?
Believe me.
It's that bad.
Hence, the biggest part of my job is cutting the cost of uninsured patients – which means getting the deadbeats out the door as fast as possible.
Naturally, there's certain resistance to my cost-cutting initiative from a few doctors and nurses – even though the District CEO Frank Nask and his dedicated staff are behind me all the way with bonuses and whatever else I need.
Bottom line?
It's only a matter of time before all four Broward Health hospitals will feature signs announcing:
You're out the door if you're uninsured and stable.
Sunny and Stable in Florida
Trouble is, Broward Health is being forced to deal with more and more uninsured patients looking for free health care.
Hence, our cost-cutting initiative for uninsured patients is a simple one:
Slash the number of days the deadbeats spend in our hospitals by getting them out the door and on the street.
And I'm happy to say –thanks to Frank Nask and his loyal staff – it's a war Broward Health is winning!
But don't take my word for it.
Just look at the numbers as reported by our Finance staff:
Average Length of Patient Hospital Stay
Patients 2005 2007 % decrease
Uninsured 5.6 days 3.9 days 30.4% decline
All Patients 5.4 days 5.0 days 7.4% decline.
Anyhow....
Now you know why – as a professional CHBC – I'm so proud to be key player on Broward Health's Powerful Profits Team.
Okay.
We've had some help in getting uninsured patients out the door more quickly.
Like Florida's balmy weather makes it easier to put a wheelchair patient on the street.
Plus the cops don't care as long as our deadbeat patients don't frighten the tourists.
But best of all, as a government agency, we 're blessed by sovereign immunity* – which discourages most blood-sucking lawyers from suing us if we release an uninsured patient too soon and they go South. (*Like it takes an act of the Florida legislature to cover damages of more than few hundred Thou – which is tort-wise bupkis.)
Not that getting uninsured patients out the door as quickly as possible isn't hard work – and a total team effort 24-7!
But that's what Powerful Profits are all about.
Jose Conjo, CHBC
NOTE: Yeh. The District's patient stay numbers are accurate – although I wish to God they weren't. JKdeG
Broward Health - Powerful Bullshit
Ask Your District Doctor
Dear Doctor Doktor
At the the last meeting of our Broward Health Commissioners, the District's top financial people told us we need to watch out because we're up to our ass in uninsured patients and that Hard Times are ahead as these non-paying people are costing us serious money. Should I look for another job? - Worried
Dear Worried:
Better you should ask a District PPUC proctologists about what's up with our ass.
Hah-hah.
How's that for a little Healthcare Humor?
Or did you hear the one about the 300-pound nymphomaniac who left her deaf mute gynecologist speechless?
But seriously....
Like anything else at the North Broward Hospital District, it all depends on how you spin the numbers.
Especially when it comes to the maintenance diet of bureaucratic bullshit District CEO Frank Nask and his people feed our Seven Dwarf Commissioners.
But then bullshit is to a bureaucrat what marble was to Michelangelo.
Anyhow...
Cutting, as they say, to the chase:
One – District hospitals are carrying a lighter load of uninsured patients than they were ten years ago.
Two - Right now, the the District's profits look better than the Mafia's.
That said, let's first compare the District's Bottom Line for the first six months of the current fiscal year (2010) versus the same per for FY 2000 -- per an adjusted patient day*:
District 2000 2010
Profit (Loss) ($1.16) $1.83
Like on his best day, Tarzan never had a swing like that.
But then, to borrow from Aeschylus, “Truth is the first victim of a self-serving bureaucracy.”
Which brings us to Frank's apocalyptic buzz about a deluge of uninsured patients slamming the District.
Which is what got your shorts all twisted.
Relax.
There's no need to worry, Worried.
Because, Frank's end-of-the-world scenario about uninsured patients is – well – more bullshit from a master bureaucrat.
Again, just consider the numbers:
Average Daily
Patient Census 2000 2010
Total 784 899 12%
Uninsured 145 144 ????
Percent 18.5% 16.4%
Which begs a Sticky Question:
Like, how come Frank and his staff fed the District's Seven Commissionrr Dwarfs a plate full of Grade A Bullshit about Broward Health Hard Times that are not?
Sticky Answer:
Negative bullshit enables Frank and his people to justify their humongous salaries, plus fund whatever new addition, medical toy, or fat contract they want.
But enough.
Point is...
There's no need for you to worry about loosing your job – unless one of the New Republican Commissioners finds out you gave a shit load of money to help elect Obama.
So again, relax.
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
I never lie -- unless it involves ordering an unnecessary test.
Which is another slice of Healthcare Humor
Of course, my favorite's the one where this drunk priest, stoned rabbi and a pregnant gorilla tell this dyslexic Muslim cab driver to take them to the nearest emergency room...
But I'll save that one for later.
Yours for Powerful Profits
Doctor Dick Doktor, PPUC
TRUE FACT #1 - The above trends are based on data available to the public under the Sunshine Laws governing Broward Health's byzantine financial records.
TRUE FACT #2 - An *adjusted patient day and an adjusted admission are universal healthcare industry baselines using standard formulas to reflect the unique inpatient and outpatient “load” of one hospital versus another.
Mr. Paul-Hus is Due for a Good Talking To
It's your pal Millie the Broward Health Mushroom back again.
And today....
I can't tell you how proud I am to be a member of the North Broward Hospital District family (dba Broward Health).
Especially the way we were all THERE for each when things fail to go according to plan.
Like yesterday marked the first official meeting attended by the District's four new Commissioners – each one having been appointed last week by Florida Gov. Charlie Crist based on Broward Lobbyist Jim Blosser's instructions.
Now, with each of the District's seven commissioners a devout New Republican, your Broward Health Family can look forward to a future marked by carefully scripted Commission meetings and plenty of lucrative contracts for anyone ready to help elect Florida Attorney General Bill (Mr. Smoothie) McCollum our next Governor.
As a further aside, there IS something comforting about a dais filled with New Republicans hand-picked by Charlie Crist and his fund raisers.
For example, they all have that very special look that only comes from never having been forced to ride a Broward public bus or shop at Walmart.
But I digress.
Because what matters is how well everyone quietly handled the one one dark moment that marred yesterday's otherwise immaculate inaugural meeting for the District's four freshperson Commissioners.
Frankly, it reminded me of the Japanese' flawless response when Bush the First tossed his cookies at a Tokyo Dinner of State.
Yesterday's Commission in flagrante delicto occurred just after the Commission unanimously approved the agenda item containing the Detailed Financial Report for the first six months of the current fiscal year – without realizing what it had voted on.
Ever the undisputed Mother Superior when it comes to a miscarriage of Roberts' Rules, Chairperson Rhonda “Help Me” Calhoun brushed the aux ax aside – blithely urging her fellow Commissioners to move on to the next item on the agenda.
Which is when, as some of put it a bit crudely, the doo-doo hit the fan.
“But I'd like to hear an explanation of the Financial Report,” announced the new Commissioner Paul-Hus, causing the soft sucking sound of several dozen contracting sphincters to whisper through the Community Meeting Room at Coral Springs Medical Center.
Truly, it was a classic el momento de las verdad!
Naturally, I knew the sickening thought that was racing through so many Broward Health minds:
Like, OMG, here we go with another Commissioner trying to jump off the script and ask questions designed to make everybody upset right after we got rid of the nasty little Bernstein person who was anything but a team player and always persecuting that poor dear Frank Nask.
Of course it was a moment electric filled with much paper shuffling and chair scraping as all of us held our collective breath waiting to see what would come next.
And then – dare I say it – like a bridge over troubled waters, or a balm in Gilead, that heavy set lady (I can never remember her name) who handles financial stuff for Frank stood up like this sort of unpleasant happens all the time and began going over all all kinds of numbers that nobody in the room understood or gave a flying toot about anyway. Like I said, I can't tell you how proud I was.
Especially how nobody shouted, or ran out of the room when Commissioner Paul-Hus dared to go off script and upset the teacart like he did..
Anyhow...
You can bet your best bedpan that Commissioner Paul-Hus will get a good talking o from someone like Bill McCollum's key fund raiser Jim Blosser or his partner Justin Sayfie about how being a good Broward health Commissioners means being a good team player and not making any waves by going off script – especially in public when strangers who don't work for the District are around.
So you and I both know Commissioner Paul-Hus will never step out of line like that again.
However...
The good news is that nasty Thomas Francis from that hippie New Times paper was at the meeting and like TOTALLY missed Paul-Hus embarrassing display of curiosity, which means it was like when a tree falls in the wood and there's no one around so it doesn't make any sound..
By the by...
As an interesting bit of trivia, the District Commssion has two new members with hyphenated last names: Richard Paul-Hus and Jennifer O'Flannery Andrews.
Which is like pretty way cool and unusual when you think about it.
Happy Trails,
And Powerful Profits!
Millie Mushroom.
Paul-Hus Needs a Good Talking To
Hi- it's me Millie Mushroom Again!
And today....
I can't tell you how proud I am to be a member of the North Broward Hospital District Family (dba Broward Health), home of Powerful Profits.
Especially the way we are always so totally THERE for each other when doo-doo happens and things fail to go according to plan.
Which has been happening a lot lately.
Like yesterday marked the first official meeting attended by the District's four new Commissioners – each one having been appointed last week by Florida Gov. Charlie Crist following Broward Lobbyist Jim Blosser's instructions.
Now, with each of the District's seven commissioners a devout New Republican, your Broward Health Family can look forward to a future marked by carefully scripted Commission meetings and plenty of lucrative contracts for anyone ready to help make Charie Crist our next Senator and Florida Attorney General Bill (Mr. Smoothie) McCollum our next Governor.
But speaking of yesterday's landmark Commission meeting, I have to admit there really IS something comforting about a dais filled with New Republicans hand-picked by Charlie Crist and his fund raisers.
For example, all seven of our New Republican Commissioners have that very special look that only comes from never having been forced to ride a Broward Transit bus, sit on the toilet in a gas station, or shop at Walmart.
But I digress.
Because what matters is how well everyone quietly handled the one one dark moment that marred yesterday's otherwise immaculate inaugural meeting of the District's four freshperson Commissioners and the three old timers who have been through and suffered so much from bad PR brought on by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune from New Times.
Frankly, yesterday's District Culture of Cool reminded me of the Japanese' flawless response when Bush the First tossed his cookies at a Tokyo Dinner of State.
In case you missed it, the latest in flagrante delicto for Broward Health occurred just after the Commission unanimously approved the agenda item containing the Detailed Financial Report for the first six months of the current fiscal year – without realizing what it had voted on.
Ever the undisputed Mother Superior when it comes to a miscarriage of Roberts' Rules, Chairperson Rhonda “Help Me” Calhoun brushed the faux pax aside – blithely urging her fellow Commissioners to move on to the next item on the agenda after some a busybody pointed out the minor fiscal flubb.
Which is when the new Commissioner Richard Paul-Hus spoke up.
After which, as some might say a bit crudely, the stinky doo-doo hit the fan.
“I'd like to hear an explanation of the Financial Report,” the new Commissioner said, causing the soft sucking sound of several dozen contracting sphincters to whisper through the Community Meeting Room at Coral Springs Medical Center.
Truly, it was a classic el momento de las verdad!
Naturally, I knew the sickening thought that was racing through so many Broward Health minds:
Like, OMG, here we go with another Commissioner trying to jump off the script and ask questions designed to make everybody upset right after we got rid of the nasty little Bernstein person who was anything but a team player and always persecuting that poor dear Frank Nask.
Naturally, there was a full blown pregnant moment marked by much paper shuffling and chair scraping as all of us held our collective breath waiting to see what would come next.
And then – dare I say it – like a Bridge Over Troubled Waters, or a Balm in Gilead, the heavy set lady (I can never remember her name) who handles financial stuff for Frank stood up like this sort of procedural boo boo happens all the time and began going over all all kinds of numbers that nobody in the room understood or gave a flying toot about anyway. Especially when the heavy set numbers lady concluded by saying the District's bottom line profits are way more bigger than last year's.
Which made everyone feel real nice and comfy just like before Commissioner Paul-Hus went totally inappropriate.
Anyhow...
You can bet your best bedpan that Commissioner Paul-Hus will get a good talking to from someone like Bill McCollum's key fund raiser Jim Blosser or his partner Justin Sayfie about how being a good Broward Health Commissioner means being a good team player and not making any waves by going off script – especially in public when strangers who don't work for the District are around.
So you and I both know Commissioner Paul-Hus will never step out of line like that again.
However...
The good news is that nasty Thomas Francis from that hippie New Times paper was at the meeting and like TOTALLY missed Paul-Hus embarrassing display of curiosity, which means it was like when a tree falls in the woods and there's no one around so it doesn't make any sound..
By the by and on a happy note....
As an interesting bit of trivia, the District Commssion has two new members with hyphenated last names: Richard Paul-Hus and Jennifer O'Flannery-Andrews.
Which is like pretty way cool and unusual when you think about it.
Happy Trails,
And Powerful Profits!
Millie Mushroom.
Welcome New Broward Health Commissioners
Hi There! My name is Millie the Broward Health Mushroom* and I'm here to welcome you as one of the four new commissioners appointed by Florida Governor Charlie Crist as the new majority for the seven member governing board of the North Broward Hospital District.
Fear not.
Like you're about to cash in the political chits for your many years of loyal support for the Republican party in your role as a VIP Mushroom* at Broward Health.
Which you are!
But where to begin?
First, I suppose, you'll soon find yourself the darlings of an endless parade of toadies, con artists, snake oil salesmen, health care workers, bureaucrats, politicians, and lobbyists – all begging to be your BFLs (Best Friends for Life).
And God alone knows the quality time, favors and promises they'll want to shower upon you.
What's more, you might find it a tad strange to have dozens of highly paid District administrators, bureaucrats, and staff workers devoted to filling your every personal whim and fancy – all knocking down giant salaries in an on-going battle to keep you and your other Mushroom* Commissioners totally in the dark as to what's really going on with one of the nation's ten largest health care systems.
No matter.
You'll soon get used to your status as a well-tended Mushroom*.
Just try not to ask anybody any hard ball questions like:
Can someone explain the fine print in the District 's Annual Budget?
Why was District CEO Frank Nask fired from his last job?
What's a Michael Chizner?
Do most District doctors chiz?
How come Broward County has two Hospital Districts?
How does Jim Blosser?
Why's everyone always whispering about this Stark Law thing?
What's an adjusted admission versus a regular admission?
When does Ron Book?
No matter.
When in doubt, just ask Sam Goren, the District's latest general counsel de jour and he'll be happy to fill you in on the QT (but never in writing) – until the next lawyer comes along.
But best of all, you'll soon find your new position will totally guarantee instant VIP (Very Important Patient) status to all your friends and family members if and when they require any sort of health care from a district facility or doctor – be it for toe fungus to brain surgery. (*No nurses babbling Third World languages around them! Plus their Call Buttons will always work faster than the speed of light, and their scrambled eggs hot, their enemas warm, and never a screaming patient next door.)
In short – and to rephrase Mel Books in his role as a French king pissing into a lackey-held pot – It's Good to be Commissioner!
Oh yes.
You might be a tad concerned about the nosey news media and their interest in your role as the appointed officials legally responsible for a billion dollar budget and the lives of countless thousand people.
No biggie.
Like the local news media devote more time, space and attention to the government of Cuba than the North Broward Health District's appointed Commissioners.
So if anyone from the news media does try to hassle you – like that piss ant kid Tom Francis from New Times – just tell 'em to call Sara Howley, who earns serious six figures a year as the District's Uber Flack.
But enough.
Time now to meet the three Commissioners you'll be joining:
Rhonda "Help Me" Calhoun - Commission Chairperson skilled at conducting official District business in a manner reminiscent of Blanche Duboise in Streetcar Named Desire.
Miguel “Que Linda” Fernandez – Currently under investigation for shady ethics and a fraternity brother of the Governor, Miggie's by far and away the prettiest District Commissioner.
Jorge “El Gordo” Cobo – Although also under investigation for his shady ethics, El Gordo's a great dancer and the guy who always asks You gonna eat that? at local charity dinners.Anyhow....
You have no idea how glad your fellow Mushroom Commissioners are to have you on board.
How so?
Well, thanks to your new Mushroom status, the North Broward District's Commissioners Tuesday will finally be able to conduct business legally (since you'll be there to create their first legal quorum in months).
So welcome aboard.
And remember...
When in doubt, keep your mouth shut and pretend you know what you're doing like all us other Minor Mushrooms* busy feeding each other bullshit and usually in the dark at good old Broward Health – where “Big Health Means Big Money!”
Happy Trails!
Your friend,
Millie Mushroom*
*FYI: Mushrooms, like District Commissioners, are fed bullshit and kept in the dark. However, the bullshit they'll be feeding you as a Commissioner will go down smoother than a machine-made ersatz milkshake from the fast food McDonald's counter at our flagship Broward General Medical Center.
Charlie Crist - Pope of Hypocrisy
One of my worst character defects is my tendency* to dismiss dark reality with humor, derision and scorn (see my toetagdiary.com).
True, as toxic coping mechanisms go, the false sense of security that comes from viewing others as dickwads and clowns served me well during my career as a newspaperman.
Like laughter is usually the best antidote to terror – as my dear late friend and hero Kurt Vonnegut knew (and wrote) so well.
Trouble is,there are times when throwing pies won't keep the barbarians from breeching the gates (although Broward Health Commissioner El Gordo Cobo sure needs a custard facial).
Which leads me to to consider the dismal caliber of the four local residents Florida Governor Charlie Crist appointed as the new majority on the seven-member North Broward Hospital District (aka Broward Health.)
Each, of course, is a proven True Believer in Ronald Reagan's vision of the New Republican Party and its political Jihad against Big Government.
Another of Charlie's Chosen
"Scott - You're Amazing"
But on closer inspection, the four Crist-endorsed anti-government New Republicans are - like Charlie himself -- shameless hypocrites as political acolytes of the Late Great Gipper..
How so?
Basically – although alleged foes of Big Government – each of Charlie's Chosen Four (like Charlie) has made very good living off the largess off government at the local, state and federal level.
Which makes each one a fat political piggie grown plump on government's tit:
Joel Gustafson – a former member of the Florida legislator who became lobbyist and land use attorney for Big Developers.
Richard Paul-Hus – an executive/owner of a local firm addicted to lucrative contracts with governmental agencies throughout the United States.
Clarence McKee – a lawyer and lobbyist.
Jenner O'Flannery-Anderson – head of a the local United Way, an agency addicted to a steady flow of grants from various governmental agencies.
To these four anti-government hypocrites, add the other three current members of the North Broward Hospital District – each chosen by Governor Suntan as poster kids for New Republicanism:
Rhonda Calhoun – Commission chair and executive director of the Broward League of Cities (a mega lobby group financed by municipal tax dollars).
Jorge Cobo – currently under investigation for his private business dealings with the Hospital District.
Miguel Fernandez – currently under investigation for his private business dealings with the Hospital District.
Bottom line?
In red for the political whore that he is:
If hypocrisy were a religion, Charlie Crist could run for Pope -- while his Chosen would make perfect Cardinals in Charlie's Church.
Monday - Can transubstantiation transform bullshit in Pope Charlie's Church?
Pie for a Better Broward
Forget Ethics Czars
And Investigations
Give 'em Pie!
North Broward
Hospital District
Commissioner
El Gordo Cobo
Needs a big dose of custard
Hospital District
Commission Meeting
8:30 AM Friday
Coral Springs Hospital
Genuch With the Righteous Downers
By Email
Leslie Moonves
President and CEO
CBS Television
Leslie Baby!!!
Am I ever going to make you a ton of money.
Even better, you can keep most of the dough since all I'll want is maybe 5% of the gross which, as we say in show biz, is bupkis.
So grab your socks, boychik, because I've got a ball-busting idea for your hit reality TV series “Survivor” as it enters its 10th season.
Are you ready?
Like in the past, your contestants had to "survive" by not getting voted off the show in some pretty wild places like Borneo, Fiji and Africa, which, of course, aren't chopped liver budget-wise.
But after a decade of smash ratings, you guys at CBS need to take the gloves off and climb into the ring with some serious Survivor locations like
Haiti
Like how does THAT rock your world concept-wise, bubulah?
Like can you imagine Survivor contestants like Jessica “Sugar” Kiper and Randy Baily looking for something to eat on the body-littered streets of Port-au-Prince in the middle of the night?
Randy Haitians "Sugar '
Like are we talking orgasmic slam dunk ratings-wise here, or what?
The thing is, Leslie kid, I totally GET your show's concept.
It's like Survivor Host Jeff Probst's powerful words of praise for the previous Survivor show contestants at the show's 10th Anniversary Press Party when he said:
"To all of you who have Suffered, and learned from that Suffering the Authentic Experience you had knowing what what it really feels like to sleep outdoors with the rain pouring on you.
To be hungry. To be bleeding but kind of enjoy it.'
In other words, as Jeff said, Survivor is about "really learning who you actually are, because nature strips away fakeness."
Which, like is so totally "NOW"!!!
Because they're ain't a drop of "fakeness" on the earthquake ravaged streets of Haiti.
Which is why I'm betting the sponsors would give you their left nuts AND their daughters to buy a slot on Survivor Haiti.
Especially if you dress your women contestants on the skimpy side with maximum cleavage – not that you weren't raised in a turnip patch.
Trust me, boychik.
Because you know where I'm coming from is Prime Time Emmis!!!
But you better hold on to your socks, Leslie baby.
Because I'm not done yet.
Because the ratings from two more of my wild crotch-grabbing locations will make your old Survivor sites look like Big Brother re-runs (No Offense to the show's producer who happens to be your Chinese shiksa wife).
Gaza
Afghanistan
So call me.
Soonest.
In the meantime, better you should pass out the Depends before you turn these babies loose at your next concept meeting.
Because, like they say in a strip club, there won't be a dry seat in the house!!!
Your pal in World Class Reality TV
John "The Idea Maven" deGroot
PS: I see where you're David Ben Gurion's nephew, which is like way cool because with your connections, you could probably get the Israeli Defense Force to fire off a few rubber bullets at the Palestinians during one of the Survivor Gaza shows -- which, of course, would send the ratings through the roof, especially if you leaked some B-roll footage of the shootings to the people at Fox News who love Arabs taking it up the ass like Polacks love kielbasa.