john-degroot.com

Stupid is as ...

2010-03-03T19:21:00Z

Nobody Ever Went Broke Underestimating
the Intelligence of the American Public!
– H.L. Mencken

   The current debate in Congress is less about Health Care Reform and more a Political Punch and Judy Show in which each side flails the other in a meaningless battle of strong words and weak wit.
    Once again proving the late newspaper cynic H.L. Mencken was right in his disregard for the American people and their way-less-than-representative government they elect.
    But then the average American voter has always been driven by his emotional state – as opposed to his intelligence.
    For example, in sorting out which groups stands for what in national Heaqlth Care Reform movement, it appears those:
    FAVORING Health Care Reform hope to reduce the skyrocketing cost of health care while making it available to every American.
     AGAINST Health Care Reform want to keep Big Government out of the health care business.
     Trouble is, ain't no way ---under the nation's current profit-driven health care system – that we can provide every American with adequate health care any more than we can reduce Big Government's already huge role in the nation's health care industry.
     The horror, of course, is that it's all so insanely simple.
      Like everyone in the nation's health care business wants more money this year than last (which is why cost of health care continues to rise).
      While every other American NOT in the nation's health care business expects to receive increasingly better health care for increasingly less money (which ranks right up there with Jesus' free wine at Cana and eternal youth).
      All of which suggests the American people and their elected representatives are either:
      A - Dumber than shit.
      B - Have their heads shoved way, way up their collective butt holes.
      C - Or both.
      Oh yes.
      And double shame on Barak Obama for having the dumb-ass hubris to believe nation's terminal health care system can be fixed.

The View from Tallahassee

2010-03-03T14:00:00Z

Writing about the sordid and shoddy dynamics of Florida state government and the Broward Legislative delegation is a shameful waste of this old man's time.
Especially since the picture below captures the view from Tallahassee far better than a bazillion wasted words might do.

A Toe Tag Response

2010-02-26T15:10:00Z

   AUTHOR'S NOTE: This comes in response to a recent email I received from a reader on my alternative and more personal blog toetagdiary.com   JKdeG
My Dear Friend Patrick
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comments to my Toe Tagged thoughts.
Which merit a reply in kind.
So...
Where to begin...?
First, I suppose with my Toe Tag blog interest in the likes of shit, tits and ass.
After a half century of writing for a wide range of audience demographics, I'm down to writing my toetagdiary.com for two people: my niece and grandson (actually, I'm not interested in my grandson reading toetag until he is in well into his 20's.)
  But more to the point, my goal is to tilt reality in such a way as to get my two young readers to consider points of view totally different than the madding media mainstream (the dynamic here is not all that different from what a an artist does when she views a work from a different angle to learn something new about the integrity of the work's design.)
   However...
   Sadly and even very much MORE to the point, I fear shock is all we have left --- thanks to mass media --- which gains audience "traction" by increasing the shock value of its content and message over time.
   Thus, as one who worked in mass media for most of his life, I've found that the end game of mass media (where “reach” is all) is to generate an emotional response from its audience --- which is more or less what McLuhan was messing around with a half century ago.
    Now...
    At the risk of mind-raping the obvious, I've found mass media “work” by giving their “consumer” audience a bigger emotional and/or visceral jolt this year than last – be it television, popular music, radio, blogs, politics, etc.
   In short, Western mass media work very much like the drug dealer who “helps” his customer along the downward path of addiction by increasing the strength of his product.
   For example, on TV:
   Fifty years ago, married men and women always wore pajamas to sleep in separate beds.
   Today semi-nude people of the same sex happily exchange body fluids to a pre-recorded laugh track – in between commercials for anti-depressant drugs and erection aids.
   And so it's gone.
   It's like a current TV ad for a high priced German car which assures a potential buyer:
   “We don't just make cars … we make feelings.”
   (Would have loved to hear McLuhan's take on this one.”
   Anyhow...
   It's been cultural light years since Paddy Chayefsky wrote the film “Network” – which starred a TV news anchor gaining overnight fame after going Prime Time berserk by urging his audience to race to throw open their windows and scream “We're madder than hell and we're not going to take it anymore” into the night.
   That said....
   What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and the madder-than-hell American Tea party and the outraged Howard Beale?
   But here's an even better one?

   Question: What's the difference between Huey Long and Sarah Palin?
   Answer: Palin had tits and no track record as a governor, while Huey didn't and did.
   By the way...
   Hope you read Bly's the Sibling Society where he writes of a culture easily duped into confusing a non-event with the real thing – ala Kierkegaard's “dangerous” ice skating exhibition, or the Washington's so-called Health Care Reform Debate which shit sure isn't.
    Oh yes.
    Again, as one who earned a dubious living string words together as a newspaperman, I'm increasingly fascinated by the steady dilution of the English language as an intelligent means of communicating.
    Like how can we understand each other if the word I used yesterday means something totally different today?
    France and Spain, as you know, maintain institutes dedicated to maintaining the power and meaning of the spoken and written word.
    But then France and Spain also believe in the importance of an educated and enlightened intelligentsia.
    But not so here in good old market driven America....
    Which is how and why I chose to play around with totally meaningless nouns like “shit” and “love.”
    Yeh. I know others have nailed it way better than I...
    But still.
    It's a frightening trend I'd like to get my niece and grandson to at least NOTICE.
    Which is how and why at some future point I hope to do a toetag lexicon from hell on words that have become totally meaningless like:
    Change, progress, peace, war, new, old, improved, progress, debate, God, liberal, conservative, truth, God, news, young, good, evil...
    Which is how and why I've been reduced to shit, tits and fuck.
    Sort of like a guy detonating giant bombs in a boiler factory.
    Bottom line?
    You and I are products of a totally different culture than the one driving my niece and grandson's world.
    What's worse, while we had it pretty good --- that ain't how it's gonna be for them and those they love.
    How so?
    One - The "myths" of Judeo/Christianity that enabled Western society to “work” for some 2,000 years no longer lend any meaning or purpose to the life of an average person.
    Two – For the first time in the history of Consumer American, the next generation will have it worse.
    Three – Mass media is creating a culture of sensation seeking addicts.
    Four – The law has replaced ethics.
    Five – We're no longer Number One
    Six – We're running out of enemies
    Seven – The mass media may have become a substitute for reality.
    Eight – Interesting trumps meaningful every time.
    Nine – Some villages must be destroyed to be saved..
    Ten - Feeling bad is never good.
    All of which, often moves me to blog mutter holy shit and mother fuck!

   Wishing you a blessed black history month,
   John de Groot

No Hemlock at This Forum!

2010-02-23T13:46:00Z

Hindsight being 20-20, I realize my last post about was a tad over-the-top regarding my fatalistic feelings for South Florida's toxic gestalt, greed-driven leadership and grossly materialistic values.
More to the point, I've been asking many of the folk I run into on a daily basis several questions including:

1. Whom do you respect and admire in South Fllorida?
2. Which (and how many) of our leaders do you trust?
3. Are you hopeful for the future of our “community”?
4. What is it about South Florida that strengthens your belief in a higher meaning and purpose to your life
5. Where (or what) is your sacred or holy place in South Florida?

   The answers I've received are mainly dark and way less than hopeful.
   That said, a gaggle of alleged community leaders will attend the regular monthly meeting of the Fort Lauderdale Forum tomorrow --- where the discussion will focus on “Un-Fun Facts” about the city.
    Should be interesting.
    I hope to offer the above five questions to see what sort of “Un-Fun Facts” they might generate.
    Pity the local media will be absent.
    But then they usually are -- unless there's money to be made.
    The meeting will be held at 7:30 AM Wednesday (tomorrow) in Room 1110 of the FAU/BCC Downtown center at 111 East Las Olas.
    Former Fort Lauderdale Mayor Rob Dressler will serve as moderator.
    Refreshments will be served – sans hemlock, or rusty razor blades.

John de Groot

Terminally Fucked???

2010-02-20T16:22:00Z

Author's Note:
I have grown increasingly disenthralled with what passes for reality here in South Florida.
   How and why?
   As a so-called community, South Florida has the cohesion of a bucket of crabs – and the morality of a gang rape.
   Even worse, it is devoid of dignity and compassion.
   And finally, it has come to represent Boca Bling at its worst.
   Which is how and why I shall be devoting less and less psychic energy to the daily doings of South Florida and the more than four millions souls struggling to survive in an increasingly dysfunctional environment.
   Like if the Broward County Commission and/or Harry Wayne Huizenga represent our best and brightest....?
   Then we're terminally fucked.
   Hence, I will be limiting my posts to www.john-degroot.com for the near future.
   While devoting most of my time and creative energies to an alternate blog at www.toetagdiary.com which I am writing exclusively for an audience of two: my niece and grandson.

Live Long, Know More!
John deGroot
(Squa Tront)

No Time for Satire!

2010-02-15T17:03:00Z

The Shameful Tale of Broward's
Two Health Care Taxing Districts

   The entire administrative brass of the North Broward Hospital District attended a special Thursday gathering welcome the new Board of Commissioners responsible for governing the seventh largest health care system in the nation.
   Missing amid all the background and numbers?
   Any mention of exactly why Broward County has two tax-funded hospital systems in the nation – both of which are among the largest in the nation.
   Facts are, the North and South Broward Hospitals Districts annually:
   Generate more than $2 billion in revenue
   Collect more than $220 million in local property taxes
   Provide life-saving care to some 150,000 inpatients.
   Serve more than 500,000 visitors to their emergency rooms.
   Employ more than 11,600 doctors, nurses and other skilled health care workers.
   So much for the powerful basics.
   But as to why we have two giant tax-funded health care systems....
   Well, quite simply, the two Districts offer at least double:
   The number of contracts awarded to politically connected outside vendors
   The chance for campaign contributions
   Opportunities for the governor to reward his party's faithful.
   The need for banks, investment firms and lucrative bond brokers.
   All of which boils down to a ton of patronage, jobs and money – via two huge political power bases – rather than one.
   Which – from the standpoint of both political parties – makes each District a giant golden egg-laying goose for the party in power.
  However...
All this fails to answer how and why Broward came to be blessed with two political golden geese in first place.
  To answer that question, we need to go back to 1951 when the two tax districts were created as totally separate governmental entities by the Florida Legislature.
   For years, Broward's only hospital had been located in – and totally funded by – the City of Fort Lauderdale on West Broward Boulevard.
   But then, in 1950, local residents decided to build a larger hospital at the present site of Broward General on South Andrews Avenue.
   Which led local residents to seek a special taxing district to finance their new hospital.
   But then someone in Fort Lauderdale remembered -- GASP -- The Jews.
   And so it came to pass that with the passage of two seperate acts by the Florida Legislature:
   The North Broward Hospital District was created to serve two-thirds of the county north of the Dania canal – which was highly anti-Semitic (with its "restricted" property deeds and hotels.
   While the South District was created to meet the health care needs of the southern third of the county – which was home to the vast majority of Broward's Jewish residents.
   All because, as a virulent center of anti-Antisemitism, Fort Lauderdale didn't want its sick and suffering to be cared for with “Those People” from south Broward.
   And that, as the late Paul Harvey used to say, Is the Rest of the Story.

Out of Wise Ass

2010-02-12T13:40:00Z

    NOTE: No satire today, boys and girls – we're fresh out.

   Lost all my wise ass snark at Thursday's half-day Orientation meeting for the four new Commissioners who will decide the future direction of Broward Health – the seventh largest health scare system in the nation.
   First things first:
   I'm afraid I was totally off-base in my snide conclusion that Broward Lobbyist and Big Time Bundler Jim Blosser played a key role in the selection of the four new commissioners.
   I've known – and worked with – Blosser for a number of years.
   And these people are way too intelligent and curious to bear Blosser's stamp of approval and certified Republican hacks.
   Bottom line?
   Although understandably bewildered by the complex and surreal world of Big Health the Orientation session merely skimmed over, these people demonstrated a willingness to ask cut-to-the-chase questions.
   Most impressive?
   Richard Paul-Hus, the youngest of the new Commissioners.
   More to come later.
   But right now, I'm rethinking a ton of my previous cynical thought re the new citizen leadership settling in at North Broward Hospital District.
   Oh yes.
   One other highlight of Thursday Orientation session:
   Sam Goren, the District's Interim General Counsel, gave the finest – and most scholarly – summation of Florida's Sunshine Laws that I've heard in all my years as a newspaperman.
   JKdeG

Author's Note

2010-02-10T23:29:00Z

       A Word from John deGroot
   Gentle Reader
      The blog you're reading – john-degroot.com – is but one of two internet ventures by your humble author.
   Careful study should establish the purpose of this blog is to serve my left brain needs.
   That said, I take equal pleasure in filling my right brain needs at toetagdiary.com.
   Thus, unlike so many things in life, you have a choice.

   JKdeG

Selling Health that Sizzles!

2010-02-10T14:35:00Z

       Wally Wunfree
     Marketing Maven
Beer, Hospitals, Erections

   The North Broward Hospital District has budgeted nearly $6 million for a series of newspaper and magazine adds, plus a number of commercials on local TV this year. Why? - Bewildered Taxpayer.

Dear Bewildered
   Don't go staging a Taxpayers' Teaparty in front of Broward General just yet.
   Ha-ha!
   The problem, of course, is that most people know as much about marketing as Governor Charlie Crist knows about the behavior of subatomic particles as energy, or matter
   So let's start with the basics.
   The primary purpose of marketing is to convince consumers in your market they need your product or service – whether it's a political candidate, Lite beer or a pill for an erection.
   This is especially true when it comes to institutional marketing – or branding.
   Which is more about feelings that facts.
   As in Michelobe Ultra versus Busch – as in beer.
   Or why Sarah Palin has her own TV show and the Dalai Lama doesn't.


               Serious Sizzle                     Spiritual Steak
   In short, this is all about sizzle – but not very much about steak.
   But here in America, good sizzle sells way better than good steak.
   That said, there are three major obstacles to selling a hospital:
   One – People go there to die
   Two - A visit can put you in bankruptcy
   Three – From brain surgery to toe fungus, a real hospital is totally different than its fictional counterpart of TV.
    All of which creates “a tough sell.”
    Hence, in marketing Broward Health, our job is to create a series of prints ad and TV commercials that will generate positive feelings for our hospitals on the part of our consumers.
    Which is tougher than selling pre-need funeral plans.
    No kidding.
    Take the two competing children's hospitals operated by our tax funded health care districts:
    Memorial Health's Joe DiMaggio Children's Hospital named for a beloved dead baseball player
    Broward Health's Chris Evert Children's Hospital named for a tennis star into trading up husbands – only to discover her latest model didn't work out.
    Even worse, take a look at the disparity in the brand images the two tax-supported hospital districts are projecting with their celebrity namesakes.

                Joltin' Joe                       Curvaceous Chris
    Like how does each image speak to you regarding your kid's pending brain surgery?
    Plus which one – image-wise – would move you to make a major donation to their good works?
    Really.
    The whole thing's that simple when it comes to selling your brand.
    Like beer and erection pills.
    But don't take my word for it.
    Just check it our print ads and TV commercials.
    They don't mean anything.
    But they'll sure make you feel good.
    Not that the people running Broward Health have a clue about branding and image.
    Like totally clueless and out of touch would be putting charitably.
    No kidding.
    Like last month they sent over this color shot of some mega-million dollar surgical robot which cuts you open with these giant metal claws -- which the people running this place think is the greatest thing since Our Lord invented sliced bread.
    Trouble is, the freaking surgical robot shot is about as warm and fuzzy as an Islamic beheading.
    Or a Sci-Fi Slasher flick on acid.
    Check it out.

                           Worse than Worm Farmers
    Like I said.
    When it comes to branding and image, the people running this joint are a notch below worm farmers.
    No matter.
    I made them use this photo (below) featuring a couple of happy all-American types -- which was way more about feeling good about Broward Health than scaring the snot out of your health care consumers with a metal clawed surgical robot.
    Not that the asswipe Worm Farmers were all that happy>

               "Your Broward Health - Feeling Good in No Time"
    Okay.
    Don't get me wrong.
    I do have my moments of quiet glory where I know my life has meaning.
    Like just the other day, my neighbor and I were taking about chinch bugs when he said out of the blue:
    “Wally, next time I start bleeding from the rectum, I'm gonna try Broward General.
    Naturally, you can see how the moment was totally transcendental.

Next: Why Media Relations?

For Powerful Profits

2010-02-09T15:33:00Z

NOTE: Once again, the medium is satirical – but the numbers are a serious as cancer. JkdeG
Pile On Mucho Mas Lab Tests

Jose Conjo, CHBC
   Lab tests are to hospitals what booze is to a restaurant: Where the money's at.
   And our doctors at Broward Health order lab tests like drunks go for two-for-one shots at happy hour (to belabor the analogy).
   Anyhow...
   Slamming our patients with tons of lab tests is a major reason for our Powerful Profits at Broward Health.
   What's more, this is a key point to our financial success that our new Commissioners need to appreciate– and one that should be stressed at their upcoming Orientation meeting Thursday.
   Because when it comes to generating easy revenue, unnecessary lab tests are a sure sign that your hospital's administrators – and hospitalists – know how to milk a cash cow.
   Ideally, our graphics department will put together a Power Point presentation nailing the remarkable increase in the use of lab tests at your North Broward Hospital District.
   No question but our new Commissioners will want to break out the champagne when they see our kick-ass lab numbers – especailly compared to the Wuss numbers for our health care competition here in Broward.
   Like consider the increase in adjusted admissions* versus the increase in lab tests at various hospitals in Broward during the current decade:

                                    2000             2008                 % increase
Broward Health
Adjusted
Admissions             70,572          96,883             37.3%
Lab Tests                 2,128,853    3,373,363       58.7%
Per Adj. Admits     30.2               34.8                 15.2%
Memorial Health
Adjusted
Admissions             64,854         130,744           103.6%
Lab tests                  1,891,513     3,492,093      84.6%
Per Adj. Admits     29.2             26.7                (8.6%)
Private Hospitals
Adjusted
Admissions             119,303        96,150           (19.4%
Lab Tests                 3,139,836    2,475,001    (21.2%)
Per Adj. Admits     26.3               25.7                2.3%

Yours for a Mucho Mas Bottom Line
Jose Conjo, CHBC
Certified Health Budget Consultant

*Adjusted admission – a healthcare industry baseline used to reflect both a hospital's payer mix plus its inpatient and outpatient population – thus allowing an accurate comparison of one hospital versus another.

SOURCES: Florida Agency for Health Care Administration
Broward Regional Health Planning Council.

Pay Low - Charge High

2010-02-07T13:05:00Z

NOTE: Once again, today's medium is satire; But as always, the numbers are painfully accurate and thoroughly sourced. JKdeG

Jose Conjo, CHBC
The Secret To Powerful Profits

There's only one trick to running a modern hospital: Charge high and pay low.
Which is what we're all about at the North Broward Hospital District, one of the ten largest health care systems in the nation and the undisputed Home of Powerful Profits.
   But then like anything else in our nation's great free market system – the envy of every Third World Country on the planet – the Bottom Line in health care is ALWAYS the Bottom Line here at Broward Health.
   For example, take the most recent Bottom Line profits for our flagship hospital Broward General Medical Center – compared to the Bottom Line profits for Memorial Regional Hospital, the flagship hospital for the South Broward Hospital District.
                    Bottom Line Profits - 2008
     Broward General         $40.5 million for 716 beds
     Memorial Regional    $2.9 million for 1,014 beds
   Believe me, it was cigars and brandy all around when our CEO Frank Nask saw those numbers – plus fat bonuses up the ying-yang.
   Not that we generated those healthy profits by sitting around playing Dr. House.
   Of course, hospital shows on television are all about saving lives (fiction) – while here at Broward Health we're all about saving dollars (reality).
   Like in the real world, any doctor who ordered tests for uninsured patients the way Gregory House does on TV wouldn't even be allowed to valet park cars at Broward Health hospital.
   But I digress.
   Point is, our Powerful profits – to borrow from an old Southern General – are all about “charging the mostest and paying the leastest.”
   Now....
   There are four areas where today's smart health care bean counter can either reduce costs or increase revenue:
   One – The Cost of Supplies (cut, do without)
   Two – The Cost of Contract Services (cut, do without)
   Three – The Cost of Hospital Labor (cut, layoff)
    Four – Revenue from Patients (jack up)
    Now...
    It's all but impossible to mess around with purchasing supplies and contract services here at Broward Health – where virtually ALL our major vendors are represented by top lobbyists like Jim "The Bundler" Blosser or Ronnie “The Macher” Book , both of whom can (and do) make our lives a political hell with a simple phone call to the Governor's office.
    Which is why your Broward Health bean counters have become World Class Masters at stiffing our staff with K-Mart salaries while slamming our patients with Nieman-Marcus health care bills.
    So...
    How's it work?
    Again, let's compare our flagship hospital Broward General to the South District's flagship Memorial Regional:
                                  Broward            Memorial
                                         General             Regional
Mean* Patient Bill:
Heart Attack             $41,875             $34,800
Chest Pain                  $16,080            $13,871
Average Hospital
Salary Per FTE           $55,080            $62,453
*Mean as in the middle as opposed to nasty.
    Bottom line?
    It's like Broward Health's brilliant CEO Frank Nask says:
    “The only difference between a hospital and a Holiday Inn, is the room service. Otherwise, it's nothing but buns in beds.”
     Yours for Powerful Profits
   Jose Conjo, CHBC
    Certified Hospital Budget Consultant

All Financial Data:
Florida Agency for Health Care Administration

Snooze of the Century!

2010-02-06T13:18:00Z

SATZ AWAKENS!
Washington Irving's fictional Rip Van Winkle only slept for 20 years.
    But Broward State Attorney Mike Satz has been asleep on the job for way more than 30 years.
    How so?
    After some 35 years turning a blind eye to public corruption run wild in Broward, Satz awoke last week to hold rare press conference in support of a bill to strengthen the state's misconduct law governing public officials.
    “There's no question this bill will help us convict Sunrise Mayor John Lomelo,” Satz told me following the press conference.
    “But Lomelo's been dead for years,” I told the little lawyer.
    “Yeh, right!” Satz snorted. “And the next thing you'll tell me is they've legalized gambling in Broward County.”

Slashing Deadbeat Patient Stays

2010-02-05T13:54:00Z

NOTE: Comes now another dose of satire – mainly because the fact-based Broward Health data and trends are so inhumane and outrageous. JkdeG.

Jose Conjo, CHBC
Our War Against Uninsured Patients
   Cutting costs and boosting profits is what modern health care is all about.
    It's American as Ronald Reagan and apple pie – and why our nation's health care system enjoys the biggest profits in the world.
    Which is something Obama and his gang of bleeding heart Socialists are out to destroy.
    Frankly, you'd never see a Porsche or a high end Mercedes in the doctor's private parking lot at Broward General if the left-wing Obamacrats had their way.
    But thanks be to God and Charlie Crist, the North Broward Hospital District is run by seven true blue New Republicans dedicated to the free market system – whether it's on Wall Street or an operating table.
    Okay.
    By now, I'm sure you've guessed how proud I am to be a Certified Hospital Budget Consultant (CHBC) dedicated to Cheap Costs and Powerful Profits at the North Broward Hospital District.
    Not that my job is all that easy.
    Basically because the law forces us to treat thousands of sick and injured patients even though they don't have the money to pay for their care.
    Which is a Communista nightmare right out of Castro's Cuba.
    Like can you imagine if the law required every restaurant to feed anyone who was hungry – even if they didn't have the money to pay for their food?
    Believe me.
    It's that bad.
    Hence, the biggest part of my job is cutting the cost of uninsured patients – which means getting the deadbeats out the door as fast as possible.
    Naturally, there's certain resistance to my cost-cutting initiative from a few doctors and nurses – even though the District CEO Frank Nask and his dedicated staff are behind me all the way with bonuses and whatever else I need.
    Bottom line?
    It's only a matter of time before all four Broward Health hospitals will feature signs announcing:
    You're out the door if you're uninsured and stable.

               Sunny and Stable in Florida
   Trouble is, Broward Health is being forced to deal with more and more uninsured patients looking for free health care.
    Hence, our cost-cutting initiative for uninsured patients is a simple one:
    Slash the number of days the deadbeats spend in our hospitals by getting them out the door and on the street.
     And I'm happy to say –thanks to Frank Nask and his loyal staff – it's a war Broward Health is winning!
     But don't take my word for it.
     Just look at the numbers as reported by our Finance staff:
                Average Length of Patient Hospital Stay
           Patients               2005             2007           % decrease
           Uninsured          5.6 days       3.9 days    30.4% decline
           All Patients        5.4 days       5.0 days     7.4% decline.
        Anyhow....
       Now you know why – as a professional CHBC – I'm so proud to be key player on Broward Health's Powerful Profits Team.
       Okay.
       We've had some help in getting uninsured patients out the door more quickly.
       Like Florida's balmy weather makes it easier to put a wheelchair patient on the street.
       Plus the cops don't care as long as our deadbeat patients don't frighten the tourists.
       But best of all, as a government agency, we 're blessed by sovereign immunity* – which discourages most blood-sucking lawyers from suing us if we release an uninsured patient too soon and they go South. (*Like it takes an act of the Florida legislature to cover damages of more than few hundred Thou – which is tort-wise bupkis.)
        Not that getting uninsured patients out the door as quickly as possible isn't hard work – and a total team effort 24-7!
        But that's what Powerful Profits are all about.
        Jose Conjo, CHBC

NOTE: Yeh. The District's patient stay numbers are accurate – although I wish to God they weren't. JKdeG

Broward Health - Powerful Bullshit

2010-02-04T13:17:00Z

Blogger's Note: In writing about the North Broward Hospital District, I prefer satire -- as the reality of one of the nation's ten largest healthcare systems totally sucks. JKdeg

Ask Your District Doctor

Dear Doctor Doktor
At the the last meeting of our Broward Health Commissioners, the District's top financial people told us we need to watch out because we're up to our ass in uninsured patients and that Hard Times are ahead as these non-paying people are costing us serious money. Should I look for another job? - Worried

Dear Worried:
   Better you should ask a District PPUC proctologists about what's up with our ass.
   Hah-hah.
   How's that for a little Healthcare Humor?
   Or did you hear the one about the 300-pound nymphomaniac who left her deaf mute gynecologist speechless?
   But seriously....
   Like anything else at the North Broward Hospital District, it all depends on how you spin the numbers.
   Especially when it comes to the maintenance diet of bureaucratic bullshit District CEO Frank Nask and his people feed our Seven Dwarf Commissioners.
   But then bullshit is to a bureaucrat what marble was to Michelangelo.
   Anyhow...
   Cutting, as they say, to the chase:
   One – District hospitals are carrying a lighter load of uninsured patients than they were ten years ago.
   Two - Right now, the the District's profits look better than the Mafia's.
   That said, let's first compare the District's Bottom Line for the first six months of the current fiscal year (2010) versus the same per for FY 2000 -- per an adjusted patient day*:
                District            2000         2010
             Profit (Loss) ($1.16)      $1.83
    Like on his best day, Tarzan never had a swing like that.
    But then, to borrow from Aeschylus, “Truth is the first victim of a self-serving bureaucracy.”
    Which brings us to Frank's apocalyptic buzz about a deluge of uninsured patients slamming the District.
     Which is what got your shorts all twisted.
     Relax.
     There's no need to worry, Worried.
     Because, Frank's end-of-the-world scenario about uninsured patients is – well – more bullshit from a master bureaucrat.
     Again, just consider the numbers:
                Average Daily
                Patient Census     2000    2010
                Total                        784        899        12%
                Uninsured              145        144         ????
                Percent                    18.5%   16.4%
    Which begs a Sticky Question:
    Like, how come Frank and his staff fed the District's Seven Commissionrr Dwarfs a plate full of Grade A Bullshit about Broward Health Hard Times that are not?
    Sticky Answer:
    Negative bullshit enables Frank and his people to justify their humongous salaries, plus fund whatever new addition, medical toy, or fat contract they want.
    But enough.
    Point is...
    There's no need for you to worry about loosing your job – unless one of the New Republican Commissioners finds out you gave a shit load of money to help elect Obama.
    So again, relax.
    Trust me, I'm a doctor.
    I never lie -- unless it involves ordering an unnecessary test.
    Which is another slice of Healthcare Humor
    Of course, my favorite's the one where this drunk priest, stoned rabbi and a pregnant gorilla tell this dyslexic Muslim cab driver to take them to the nearest emergency room...
     But I'll save that one for later.
    Yours for Powerful Profits
  Doctor Dick Doktor, PPUC

TRUE FACT #1 - The above trends are based on data available to the public under the Sunshine Laws governing Broward Health's byzantine financial records.

TRUE FACT #2 - An *adjusted patient day and an adjusted admission are universal healthcare industry baselines using standard formulas to reflect the unique inpatient and outpatient “load” of one hospital versus another.

Mr. Paul-Hus is Due for a Good Talking To

2010-02-02T21:13:59Z

Hi
   It's your pal Millie the Broward Health Mushroom back again.
And today....
I can't tell you how proud I am to be a member of the North Broward Hospital District family (dba Broward Health).
Especially the way we were all THERE for each when things fail to go according to plan.
Like yesterday marked the first official meeting attended by the District's four new Commissioners – each one having been appointed last week by Florida Gov. Charlie Crist based on Broward Lobbyist Jim Blosser's instructions.
Now, with each of the District's seven commissioners a devout New Republican, your Broward Health Family can look forward to a future marked by carefully scripted Commission meetings and plenty of lucrative contracts for anyone ready to help elect Florida Attorney General Bill (Mr. Smoothie) McCollum our next Governor.
  As a further aside, there IS something comforting about a dais filled with New Republicans hand-picked by Charlie Crist and his fund raisers.
  For example, they all have that very special look that only comes from never having been forced to ride a Broward public bus or shop at Walmart.
But I digress.
Because what matters is how well everyone quietly handled the one one dark moment that marred yesterday's otherwise immaculate inaugural meeting for the District's four freshperson Commissioners.
  Frankly, it reminded me of the Japanese' flawless response when Bush the First tossed his cookies at a Tokyo Dinner of State.
Yesterday's Commission in flagrante delicto occurred just after the Commission unanimously approved the agenda item containing the Detailed Financial Report for the first six months of the current fiscal year – without realizing what it had voted on.
   Ever the undisputed Mother Superior when it comes to a miscarriage of Roberts' Rules, Chairperson Rhonda “Help Me” Calhoun brushed the aux ax aside – blithely urging her fellow Commissioners to move on to the next item on the agenda.
   Which is when, as some of put it a bit crudely, the doo-doo hit the fan.
   “But I'd like to hear an explanation of the Financial Report,” announced the new Commissioner Paul-Hus, causing the soft sucking sound of several dozen contracting sphincters to whisper through the Community Meeting Room at Coral Springs Medical Center.
    Truly, it was a classic el momento de las verdad!
    Naturally, I knew the sickening thought that was racing through so many Broward Health minds:
    Like, OMG, here we go with another Commissioner trying to jump off the script and ask questions designed to make everybody upset right after we got rid of the nasty little Bernstein person who was anything but a team player and always persecuting that poor dear Frank Nask.
    Of course it was a moment electric filled with much paper shuffling and chair scraping as all of us held our collective breath waiting to see what would come next.
    And then – dare I say it – like a bridge over troubled waters, or a balm in Gilead, that heavy set lady (I can never remember her name) who handles financial stuff for Frank stood up like this sort of unpleasant happens all the time and began going over all all kinds of numbers that nobody in the room understood or gave a flying toot about anyway. Like I said, I can't tell you how proud I was.
    Especially how nobody shouted, or ran out of the room when Commissioner Paul-Hus dared to go off script and upset the teacart like he did..
    Anyhow...
    You can bet your best bedpan that Commissioner Paul-Hus will get a good talking o from someone like Bill McCollum's key fund raiser Jim Blosser or his partner Justin Sayfie about how being a good Broward health Commissioners means being a good team player and not making any waves by going off script – especially in public when strangers who don't work for the District are around.
    So you and I both know Commissioner Paul-Hus will never step out of line like that again.
    However...
    The good news is that nasty Thomas Francis from that hippie New Times paper was at the meeting and like TOTALLY missed Paul-Hus embarrassing display of curiosity, which means it was like when a tree falls in the wood and there's no one around so it doesn't make any sound..
    By the by...
    As an interesting bit of trivia, the District Commssion has two new members with hyphenated last names: Richard Paul-Hus and Jennifer O'Flannery Andrews.
    Which is like pretty way cool and unusual when you think about it.

Happy Trails,
And Powerful Profits!
Millie Mushroom.

Paul-Hus Needs a Good Talking To

2010-02-02T21:05:00Z

Hi- it's me Millie Mushroom Again!
And today....
I can't tell you how proud I am to be a member of the North Broward Hospital District Family (dba Broward Health), home of Powerful Profits.
Especially the way we are always so totally THERE for each other when doo-doo happens and things fail to go according to plan.
  Which has been happening a lot lately.
Like yesterday marked the first official meeting attended by the District's four new Commissioners – each one having been appointed last week by Florida Gov. Charlie Crist following Broward Lobbyist Jim Blosser's instructions.
Now, with each of the District's seven commissioners a devout New Republican, your Broward Health Family can look forward to a future marked by carefully scripted Commission meetings and plenty of lucrative contracts for anyone ready to help make Charie Crist our next Senator and Florida Attorney General Bill (Mr. Smoothie) McCollum our next Governor.
  But speaking of yesterday's landmark Commission meeting, I have to admit there really IS something comforting about a dais filled with New Republicans hand-picked by Charlie Crist and his fund raisers.
  For example, all seven of our New Republican Commissioners have that very special look that only comes from never having been forced to ride a Broward Transit bus, sit on the toilet in a gas station, or shop at Walmart.
But I digress.
Because what matters is how well everyone quietly handled the one one dark moment that marred yesterday's otherwise immaculate inaugural meeting of the District's four freshperson Commissioners and the three old timers who have been through and suffered so much from bad PR brought on by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune from New Times.
  Frankly, yesterday's District Culture of Cool reminded me of the Japanese' flawless response when Bush the First tossed his cookies at a Tokyo Dinner of State.
  In case you missed it, the latest in flagrante delicto for Broward Health occurred just after the Commission unanimously approved the agenda item containing the Detailed Financial Report for the first six months of the current fiscal year – without realizing what it had voted on.
   Ever the undisputed Mother Superior when it comes to a miscarriage of Roberts' Rules, Chairperson Rhonda “Help Me” Calhoun brushed the faux pax aside – blithely urging her fellow Commissioners to move on to the next item on the agenda after some a busybody pointed out the minor fiscal flubb.
   Which is when the new Commissioner Richard Paul-Hus spoke up.
   After which, as some might say a bit crudely, the stinky doo-doo hit the fan.
   “I'd like to hear an explanation of the Financial Report,” the new Commissioner said, causing the soft sucking sound of several dozen contracting sphincters to whisper through the Community Meeting Room at Coral Springs Medical Center.
    Truly, it was a classic el momento de las verdad!
    Naturally, I knew the sickening thought that was racing through so many Broward Health minds:
    Like, OMG, here we go with another Commissioner trying to jump off the script and ask questions designed to make everybody upset right after we got rid of the nasty little Bernstein person who was anything but a team player and always persecuting that poor dear Frank Nask.
    Naturally, there was a full blown pregnant moment marked by much paper shuffling and chair scraping as all of us held our collective breath waiting to see what would come next.
    And then – dare I say it – like a Bridge Over Troubled Waters, or a Balm in Gilead, the heavy set lady (I can never remember her name) who handles financial stuff for Frank stood up like this sort of procedural boo boo happens all the time and began going over all all kinds of numbers that nobody in the room understood or gave a flying toot about anyway. Especially when the heavy set numbers lady concluded by saying the District's bottom line profits are way more bigger than last year's.
    Which made everyone feel real nice and comfy just like before Commissioner Paul-Hus went totally inappropriate.
     Anyhow...
    You can bet your best bedpan that Commissioner Paul-Hus will get a good talking to from someone like Bill McCollum's key fund raiser Jim Blosser or his partner Justin Sayfie about how being a good Broward Health Commissioner means being a good team player and not making any waves by going off script – especially in public when strangers who don't work for the District are around.
    So you and I both know Commissioner Paul-Hus will never step out of line like that again.
    However...
    The good news is that nasty Thomas Francis from that hippie New Times paper was at the meeting and like TOTALLY missed Paul-Hus embarrassing display of curiosity, which means it was like when a tree falls in the woods and there's no one around so it doesn't make any sound..
    By the by and on a happy note....
    As an interesting bit of trivia, the District Commssion has two new members with hyphenated last names: Richard Paul-Hus and Jennifer O'Flannery-Andrews.
    Which is like pretty way cool and unusual when you think about it.
Happy Trails,
And Powerful Profits!
Millie Mushroom.

Welcome New Broward Health Commissioners

2010-02-01T12:13:00Z

Hi There!
   My name is Millie the Broward Health Mushroom* and I'm here to welcome you as one of the four new commissioners appointed by Florida Governor Charlie Crist as the new majority for the seven member governing board of the North Broward Hospital District.
   Fear not.
   Like you're about to cash in the political chits for your many years of loyal support for the Republican party in your role as a VIP Mushroom* at Broward Health.
   Which you are!
   But where to begin?
   First, I suppose, you'll soon find yourself the darlings of an endless parade of toadies, con artists, snake oil salesmen, health care workers, bureaucrats, politicians, and lobbyists – all begging to be your BFLs (Best Friends for Life).
   And God alone knows the quality time, favors and promises they'll want to shower upon you.
   What's more, you might find it a tad strange to have dozens of highly paid District administrators, bureaucrats, and staff workers devoted to filling your every personal whim and fancy – all knocking down giant salaries in an on-going battle to keep you and your other Mushroom* Commissioners totally in the dark as to what's really going on with one of the nation's ten largest health care systems.
   No matter.
   You'll soon get used to your status as a well-tended Mushroom*.
   Just try not to ask anybody any hard ball questions like:
   Can someone explain the fine print in the District 's Annual Budget?
   Why was District CEO Frank Nask fired from his last job?
   What's a Michael Chizner?
   Do most District doctors chiz?
   How come Broward County has two Hospital Districts?
   How does Jim Blosser?
   Why's everyone always whispering about this Stark Law thing?
   What's an adjusted admission versus a regular admission?
   When does Ron Book?
   No matter.
   When in doubt, just ask Sam Goren, the District's latest general counsel de jour and he'll be happy to fill you in on the QT (but never in writing) – until the next lawyer comes along.
    But best of all, you'll soon find your new position will totally guarantee instant VIP (Very Important Patient) status to all your friends and family members if and when they require any sort of health care from a district facility or doctor – be it for toe fungus to brain surgery. (*No nurses babbling Third World languages around them! Plus their Call Buttons will always work faster than the speed of light, and their scrambled eggs hot, their enemas warm, and never a screaming patient next door.)
    In short – and to rephrase Mel Books in his role as a French king pissing into a lackey-held pot – It's Good to be Commissioner!
    Oh yes.
    You might be a tad concerned about the nosey news media and their interest in your role as the appointed officials legally responsible for a billion dollar budget and the lives of countless thousand people.
    No biggie.
    Like the local news media devote more time, space and attention to the government of Cuba than the North Broward Health District's appointed Commissioners.
     So if anyone from the news media does try to hassle you – like that piss ant kid Tom Francis from New Times – just tell 'em to call Sara Howley, who earns serious six figures a year as the District's Uber Flack.
     But enough.
     Time now to meet the three Commissioners you'll be joining:
Rhonda "Help Me" Calhoun - Commission Chairperson skilled at conducting official District business in a manner reminiscent of Blanche Duboise in Streetcar Named Desire.
Miguel “Que Linda” Fernandez – Currently under investigation for shady ethics and a fraternity brother of the Governor, Miggie's by far and away the prettiest District Commissioner.
Jorge “El Gordo” Cobo – Although also under investigation for his shady ethics, El Gordo's a great dancer and the guy who always asks You gonna eat that? at local charity dinners.
    Anyhow....
    You have no idea how glad your fellow Mushroom Commissioners are to have you on board.
    How so?
    Well, thanks to your new Mushroom status, the North Broward District's Commissioners Tuesday will finally be able to conduct business legally (since you'll be there to create their first legal quorum in months).
    So welcome aboard.
    And remember...
    When in doubt, keep your mouth shut and pretend you know what you're doing like all us other Minor Mushrooms* busy feeding each other bullshit and usually in the dark at good old Broward Health – where “Big Health Means Big Money!”
Happy Trails!
Your friend,
Millie Mushroom*

*FYI: Mushrooms, like District Commissioners, are fed bullshit and kept in the dark. However, the bullshit they'll be feeding you as a Commissioner will go down smoother than a machine-made ersatz milkshake from the fast food McDonald's counter at our flagship Broward General Medical Center.