NOTE: Once again, today's medium is satire; But as always, the numbers are painfully accurate and thoroughly sourced. JKdeG

Jose Conjo, CHBC
The Secret To Powerful Profits
 
  There's only one trick to running a modern hospital: Charge high and pay low.
  Which is what we're all about at the North Broward Hospital District, one of the ten largest health care systems in the nation and the undisputed Home of Powerful Profits.
   But then like anything else in our nation's great free market system – the envy of every Third World Country on the planet – the Bottom Line in health care is ALWAYS the Bottom Line here at Broward Health.
   For example, take the most recent Bottom Line profits for our flagship hospital Broward General Medical Center – compared to the Bottom Line profits for Memorial Regional Hospital, the flagship hospital for the South Broward Hospital District.
                    Bottom Line Profits - 2008
     Broward General         $40.5 million for 716 beds
     Memorial Regional    $2.9 million for 1,014 beds
   Believe me, it was cigars and brandy all around when our CEO Frank Nask saw those numbers – plus fat bonuses up the ying-yang.
   Not that we generated those healthy profits by sitting around playing Dr. House.
   Of course, hospital shows on television are all about saving lives (fiction) – while here at Broward Health we're all about saving dollars (reality).
   Like in the real world, any doctor who ordered tests for uninsured patients the way Gregory House does on TV wouldn't even be allowed to valet park cars at Broward Health hospital.
   But I digress.
   Point is, our Powerful profits – to borrow from an old Southern General – are all about “charging the mostest and paying the leastest.”
   Now....
   There are four areas where today's smart health care bean counter can either reduce costs or increase revenue:
   One – The Cost of Supplies (cut, do without)
   Two – The Cost of Contract Services (cut, do without)
   Three – The Cost of Hospital Labor (cut, layoff)
    Four – Revenue from Patients (jack up)
    Now...
    It's all but impossible to mess around with purchasing supplies and contract services here at Broward Health – where virtually ALL our major vendors are represented by top lobbyists like Jim "The Bundler" Blosser or Ronnie “The Macher” Book , both of whom can (and do) make our lives a political hell with a simple phone call to the Governor's office.
    Which is why your Broward Health bean counters have become World Class Masters at stiffing our staff with K-Mart salaries while slamming our patients with Nieman-Marcus health care bills.
    So...
    How's it work?
    Again, let's compare our flagship hospital Broward General to the South District's flagship Memorial Regional:
                                  Broward            Memorial
                                         General             Regional
Mean* Patient Bill:
  Heart Attack             $41,875             $34,800
  Chest Pain                  $16,080            $13,871
Average Hospital
Salary Per FTE           $55,080            $62,453
*Mean as in the middle as opposed to nasty.      
    Bottom line?
    It's like Broward Health's brilliant CEO Frank Nask says:
    “The only difference between a hospital and a Holiday Inn, is the room service. Otherwise, it's nothing but buns in beds.”
     Yours for Powerful Profits
   Jose Conjo, CHBC
    Certified Hospital Budget Consultant

All Financial Data:
Florida Agency for Health Care Administration