Ask Your District Doctor

Dear Worried:
   Better you should ask a District PPUC proctologists about what's up with our ass.
   Hah-hah.
   How's that for a little Healthcare Humor?
   Or did you hear the one about the 300-pound nymphomaniac who left her deaf mute gynecologist speechless?
   But seriously....
   Like anything else at the North Broward Hospital District, it all depends on how you spin the numbers.
   Especially when it comes to the maintenance diet of bureaucratic bullshit District CEO Frank Nask and his people feed our Seven Dwarf Commissioners.
   But then bullshit is to a bureaucrat what marble was to Michelangelo.
   Anyhow...
   Cutting, as they say, to the chase:
   One – District hospitals are carrying a lighter load of uninsured patients than they were ten years ago.
   Two - Right now, the the District's profits look better than the Mafia's.
   That said, let's first compare the District's Bottom Line for the first six months of the current fiscal year (2010) versus the same per for FY 2000 -- per an adjusted patient day*:
                District            2000         2010
             Profit (Loss)  ($1.16)      $1.83
    Like on his best day, Tarzan never had a swing like that.
    But then, to borrow from Aeschylus, “Truth is the first victim of a self-serving bureaucracy.”
    Which brings us to Frank's apocalyptic buzz about a deluge of uninsured patients slamming the District.
     Which is what got your shorts all twisted.
     Relax.
     There's no need to worry, Worried.
     Because, Frank's end-of-the-world scenario about uninsured patients is – well – more bullshit from a master bureaucrat.
     Again, just consider the numbers:
                Average Daily
                Patient Census     2000    2010
                Total                        784        899        12%
                Uninsured              145        144         ????          
                Percent                    18.5%   16.4%
    Which begs a Sticky Question:
    Like, how come Frank and his staff fed the District's Seven Commissionrr Dwarfs a plate full of Grade A Bullshit about Broward Health Hard Times that are not?
    Sticky Answer:
    Negative bullshit enables Frank and his people to justify their humongous salaries, plus fund whatever new addition, medical toy, or fat contract they want.
    But enough.
    Point is...
    There's no need for you to worry about loosing your job – unless one of the New Republican Commissioners finds out you gave a shit load of money to help elect Obama.
    So again, relax.
    Trust me, I'm a doctor.
    I never lie -- unless it involves ordering an unnecessary test.
    Which is another slice of Healthcare Humor
    Of course, my favorite's the one where this drunk priest, stoned rabbi and a pregnant gorilla tell this dyslexic Muslim cab driver to take them to the nearest emergency room...
     But I'll save that one for later. 
    Yours for Powerful Profits
  Doctor Dick Doktor, PPUC

TRUE FACT #1 - The above trends are based on data available to the public under the Sunshine Laws governing Broward Health's byzantine financial records.

TRUE FACT #2 - An *adjusted patient day and an adjusted admission are universal healthcare industry baselines using standard formulas to reflect the unique inpatient and outpatient “load” of one hospital versus another.