Welcome New Broward Health Commissioners
Hi There! My name is Millie the Broward Health Mushroom* and I'm here to welcome you as one of the four new commissioners appointed by Florida Governor Charlie Crist as the new majority for the seven member governing board of the North Broward Hospital District.
Fear not.
Like you're about to cash in the political chits for your many years of loyal support for the Republican party in your role as a VIP Mushroom* at Broward Health.
Which you are!
But where to begin?
First, I suppose, you'll soon find yourself the darlings of an endless parade of toadies, con artists, snake oil salesmen, health care workers, bureaucrats, politicians, and lobbyists – all begging to be your BFLs (Best Friends for Life).
And God alone knows the quality time, favors and promises they'll want to shower upon you.
What's more, you might find it a tad strange to have dozens of highly paid District administrators, bureaucrats, and staff workers devoted to filling your every personal whim and fancy – all knocking down giant salaries in an on-going battle to keep you and your other Mushroom* Commissioners totally in the dark as to what's really going on with one of the nation's ten largest health care systems.
No matter.
You'll soon get used to your status as a well-tended Mushroom*.
Just try not to ask anybody any hard ball questions like:
Can someone explain the fine print in the District 's Annual Budget?
Why was District CEO Frank Nask fired from his last job?
What's a Michael Chizner?
Do most District doctors chiz?
How come Broward County has two Hospital Districts?
How does Jim Blosser?
Why's everyone always whispering about this Stark Law thing?
What's an adjusted admission versus a regular admission?
When does Ron Book?
No matter.
When in doubt, just ask Sam Goren, the District's latest general counsel de jour and he'll be happy to fill you in on the QT (but never in writing) – until the next lawyer comes along.
But best of all, you'll soon find your new position will totally guarantee instant VIP (Very Important Patient) status to all your friends and family members if and when they require any sort of health care from a district facility or doctor – be it for toe fungus to brain surgery. (*No nurses babbling Third World languages around them! Plus their Call Buttons will always work faster than the speed of light, and their scrambled eggs hot, their enemas warm, and never a screaming patient next door.)
In short – and to rephrase Mel Books in his role as a French king pissing into a lackey-held pot – It's Good to be Commissioner!
Oh yes.
You might be a tad concerned about the nosey news media and their interest in your role as the appointed officials legally responsible for a billion dollar budget and the lives of countless thousand people.
No biggie.
Like the local news media devote more time, space and attention to the government of Cuba than the North Broward Health District's appointed Commissioners.
So if anyone from the news media does try to hassle you – like that piss ant kid Tom Francis from New Times – just tell 'em to call Sara Howley, who earns serious six figures a year as the District's Uber Flack.
But enough.
Time now to meet the three Commissioners you'll be joining:
Rhonda "Help Me" Calhoun - Commission Chairperson skilled at conducting official District business in a manner reminiscent of Blanche Duboise in Streetcar Named Desire.
Miguel “Que Linda” Fernandez – Currently under investigation for shady ethics and a fraternity brother of the Governor, Miggie's by far and away the prettiest District Commissioner.
Jorge “El Gordo” Cobo – Although also under investigation for his shady ethics, El Gordo's a great dancer and the guy who always asks You gonna eat that? at local charity dinners.Anyhow....
You have no idea how glad your fellow Mushroom Commissioners are to have you on board.
How so?
Well, thanks to your new Mushroom status, the North Broward District's Commissioners Tuesday will finally be able to conduct business legally (since you'll be there to create their first legal quorum in months).
So welcome aboard.
And remember...
When in doubt, keep your mouth shut and pretend you know what you're doing like all us other Minor Mushrooms* busy feeding each other bullshit and usually in the dark at good old Broward Health – where “Big Health Means Big Money!”
Happy Trails!
Your friend,
Millie Mushroom*
*FYI: Mushrooms, like District Commissioners, are fed bullshit and kept in the dark. However, the bullshit they'll be feeding you as a Commissioner will go down smoother than a machine-made ersatz milkshake from the fast food McDonald's counter at our flagship Broward General Medical Center.
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